And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
