the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
