This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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