so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
