They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
