the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
