normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
