he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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