Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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