On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize