You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
