She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
