I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
