i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize