Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
