You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
