It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
