We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
