He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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