This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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