I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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