Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
