I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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