So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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