So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
