My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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