cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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