do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
