I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
