I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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