Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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