How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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