I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
