i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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