ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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