Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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