I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
