oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
