Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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