I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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