who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
