you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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