it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You took a bar mat shot.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
