he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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