Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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