i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm way too hungover for life right now
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
