You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
