I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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