so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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