perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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