i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You've changed since you got that strap on
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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