Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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