I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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