I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
