your parents love me but you hate me
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
