broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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