1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Welp...herpes.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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