Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
